I Am A Shark

If I cannot change something about myself, I must accept it.

People don’t understand this about me, but I have to be a shark in order to survive

And this is a sad but honest truth. When I stop moving, I feel myself sinking into the ground, sinking through the floor, sinking deep into the earth’s crust and getting burned up.

And many people will not understand that I feel calmer in the chaos of doing 1 million tasks than I do and the calm sincere surrender of my bed.

I do not understand this any better than another person would, but I am a shark. The electrician who made me connected the wrong wires. I guess humans are wired to thrive in chaos. Running from saber tooth tigers and such. So I shouldn’t judge myself for liking the chaos.

I have been constantly moving since I was a kid. Home is a four letter word with a blank definition. It’s a feeling more than anything.

Not a place.

I have also been moving since I was a kid. Doing 1 million things all at once. Having five different activities going at once. Having three goals always

Achieving.

Becoming.

Overcoming

Believing.

Striving.

Succeeding.

Competing.

Winning.

This has been my life

And I don’t mind it because I’m not a cat, lazily sitting in a sunbeam

I’m a shark. I thrive on this shit.

I’ve tried to live a life of leisure before, and it did nothing but bring me misery. Some people feel more at home in the chaos than they do in the sunbeams

I used to feel shame for that. Like maybe I’m the bad one. Maybe I should learn to calm down and breathe and enjoy the laziness of doing nothing. Enjoy the comfort of just being enjoy the silence of a Sunday afternoon.

I only have one life and I should be doing something with it.

And that’s not to say that some days I have a lazy Sunday afternoon on a Tuesday evening.

I do. I turn into a cat with many sharp rows of teeth.

But I am one of those people in life that knows that I have big things I have to do

There’s an uneasiness in my soul that even if I’m swimming in murky black water, I know I’m headed somewhere beautiful.

And I can’t explain it any better than summed up in the words “I am a shark”

Endlessly swimming towards an unknown, but I know I must keep swimming.

I do not know why my soul is pulling me forward towards the things it does, but I know that if I do not run towards them, then the weight of my potential shall drag me under the current.

I used to be the cat. My soul did not becken for me to do anything. It just beckoned for a laziness and comfort.

Which is beautiful from time to time, but then my soul got restless. Decided that breathing is too simple and a life of movement is what is necessary.

So I left them became a ballerina, and I never fulfilled my mission there.

I never became what I wanted to , but somehow I feel I’m becoming who I was always meant to be.

But I’d never find out who I was meant to be unless I kept moving forward. I did not turn my belly up and enjoy the sun, waving the white flag, and being defeated. Now I stuck my head back into the place that I did not wish to go and kept swimming and I have become everything I had hoped to be.

I am a shark. Why am I ashamed of my teeth?

Love,

— B.S.